And then it is this boy. I can't decide what I want. Do I want to be involved with him, or should I just ignore him? And I don't know his intention.. Maybe he just look at me at as a easy swop because I'm sick, or maybe he want to be involved with me because he care. But can I trust him? Do I want to trust him, or will I let this ED ruin my life yet another time. Because it's my ED that tells me I can't trust him, that he just want to take advantage from my situation.

Why can't I take a risk once, take the risk to be hurt or to get a experience of delight. But I can't!!! I can't because I'm too afraid and so frightened to lose my footing.

*screaming*

I just want to quit everything, get thin and die! I don't want to be here anymore.

And by the way, my really smart and charming brother is coming home this weekend.

Shoot me now, please.

He always brag about his IQ, because it's over 150. And he is also becoming both a lawyer and a Bachelor of Commerce in Japanese business. He also taking intermediate subject in Japanese. Why is he so successful and a role model for my family. My mum loves him, and my dad always talk about how smart and brave he is. I also want to be smart, but I aren't! It's proven that my IQ only is 137, and my first psychologist thought I was underdeveloped. What the hell is wrong with me???

I just want to be like my brother, but it seems impossible...

before - after

© Nemi 2002/2003